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Jan Ove
Full Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1408
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Wed Mar 29, 2017 1:23 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

I went on holiday last week.

As I laid on the beach, being massaged by a beautiful woman, I looked at my wife and said:

"This is the life, isn't it?"

She just completely ignored me.

"Isn't it?" i asked again.

She continued to ignore me.

"OK, go to hell then," i said,
"I don't know why I even bothered to skype you.
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mo2872
Full Curbster


Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2016
Posts: 2132
Location: Tulsa, Ok

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Wed Mar 29, 2017 3:48 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

:echo:
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Jan Ove
Full Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1408
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 7:25 am    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains.

As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided.

The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit.

Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."

Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."
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mo2872
Full Curbster


Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2016
Posts: 2132
Location: Tulsa, Ok

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 7:42 am    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

That was horrific, Jan! I could.........BEARLY........read it........
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G68
FNG Curbster


Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 228
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 8:49 am    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1408
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2017 8:25 am    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote the following:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.

The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
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mo2872
Full Curbster


Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2016
Posts: 2132
Location: Tulsa, Ok

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 12:50 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

7-y-o arrives home from school and says, "Some people were using bad words at school."

I ask what they said.

"They said the e-word"

At this point I am racking my brain for what swear word starts with an e. Eventually I gave up.

So I asked "What word might that be?"

"Idiot"
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mo2872
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Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2016
Posts: 2132
Location: Tulsa, Ok

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 1:10 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

A guy walked into a
crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled,

"I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo."
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1408
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 3:07 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.
By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied,
"Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my 'you know what'.
When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull 'it' out , go,
and return to work.
Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner,"how do you put it back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
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mo2872
Full Curbster


Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2016
Posts: 2132
Location: Tulsa, Ok

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2017 8:13 am    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

A Mexican Magician said he would disappear on the count of 3... He counted:

Uno... Dos...

*POOF!* he was gone!

He disappeared without a Tres...
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