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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2015 1:57 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.

He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.

So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.


The billionaire goes.. "Holy shit, I didnít think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says "no",

So the billionaire says, "oh, you want my house?" and the guys says "no" and so the billionaire says," what, you want my wife, then?"

But the guys says "hell no"

So the billionaire says "well what the fook do you want?"

The guys still trying to catch his breath says, " I want the motherfucker who pushed me in the pool
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2015 5:14 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

I saw a van today with the bumpersticker "i am an Veterinarian, therefore i can drive like an animal"

I realized then, just how many Gynecologists there are on the roads...
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 3:20 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.'


The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be fucked if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no fuckin bike.
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2015 3:17 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.

He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.


The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself.

So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.

The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.

The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2015 2:59 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
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Wombat
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 68
Posts: 1245
Location: Brisbane, Australia


PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2016 4:19 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 2:01 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

"The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,

"Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife.

But this is my mother-in-law.

"The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
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TheRktmn
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 57
Posts: 8038
Location: TX, USA

1969 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 2:13 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Saturday funny: Jan-O can find every daily joke thread but cannot find the Shoutbox! ;)


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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 5:33 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.

You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.

You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled.

All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
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mo2872
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Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2017
Posts: 2209
Location: Tulsa, OK

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2016 7:27 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote


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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue.....
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