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Friday Humor
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Local Hero
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Joined: 19 Jan 2006
Age: 51
Posts: 654
Location: Northcoast, Cleveland, Ohio


PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 8:48 am    Post subject: icon_winner Friday Humor Reply with quote

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. 'Since Valentine's Day
is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?'

Melissa's father thinks a bit, and says, 'No, I don't think God
would get  mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin La den,' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama,
he'd love everyone
a lot.

And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride.
'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.'

'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the bastard.' 
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68 XR-7 Custom 351W C6 3:50

Buckeye Boys Rod and Custom - East
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Bricklyn
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Joined: 08 Jan 2008
Posts: 425
Location: Facebook, Far NW Burbs of Chicago

1969 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 10:46 am    Post subject:  . Reply with quote



I love it!
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mo2872
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Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2017
Posts: 2210
Location: Tulsa, OK

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:13 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

That's funny.....
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TallCowboy0614
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Joined: 24 Jun 2005
Age: 57
Posts: 1170
Location: Debtors Prison


PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:27 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

There should be a zot here, shouldn't there?
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rjf
Street Walker


Joined: 04 Jan 2006
Age: 56
Posts: 389
Location: Torrance, CA


PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 2:26 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

TallCowboy0614 wrote:
There should be a zot here, shouldn't there?


Aren't you supposed to locate the previous instance of the duplicate post in order to Zot?
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 2:33 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Thats why he's saying there should be one here, and I'm leavining it at that
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Local Hero
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Joined: 19 Jan 2006
Age: 51
Posts: 654
Location: Northcoast, Cleveland, Ohio


PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 7:28 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Since no previous instance was documented, I'll assume I'm in the clear. :)

Besides, it's timely since Valentines Day is tomorrow.

So Happy VD to all you... ...Lovers.
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68 XR-7 Custom 351W C6 3:50

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rjf
Street Walker


Joined: 04 Jan 2006
Age: 56
Posts: 389
Location: Torrance, CA


PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:38 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Local Hero wrote:
So Happy VD to all you... ...Lovers.


Hah! Anything antibiotics will cure. VD...gotta love it!
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Texrep
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 60
Posts: 825
Location: Lemoore, Cali, USA


PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 3:15 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Bad Joke Friday

I was at my regular pub the other night when Alex walked in, took his usual seat and ordered a pint of his favorite lager.
Alex leaned over and said to me: "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check if any one has escaped from there recently."
I was confused by this remark so I asked, "Why on earth would you want to know such a thing???"
Alex leaned closer and explained: "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week..."
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:15 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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