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G68
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Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 268
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:45 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Q: Why do gynecologists only drink Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka?
A: "Pabst Smir!"
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Grant

"If I wasn't here, I would probably be somewhere else"
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G68
FNG Curbster


Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 268
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:46 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

"I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one."
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Grant

"If I wasn't here, I would probably be somewhere else"
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G68
FNG Curbster


Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 268
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 9:40 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

I got caught peeing in the swimming pool the other day. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
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Grant

"If I wasn't here, I would probably be somewhere else"
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irreverantScamp
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Age: 54
Posts: 1487
Location: A Socialists paradise

1969 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 9:58 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote


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"Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society." Aristotle
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 2:51 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.. "This is the outhouse!"
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If the woman don't find you handsome, then at least they should find you handy
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2016 4:22 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought out another ring .

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by cheque.”

“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”

Monday morning, a very annoyed jeweller phoned the old man.

“There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man,

“But can you imagine what a frickin' amazing weekend I've had!”
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:53 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill.

The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened.

She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"
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mo2872
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Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2017
Posts: 2209
Location: Tulsa, OK

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 3:38 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A woman at the Post Office wanted to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.

The clerk asked, "What denomination?"

"Oh, good heavens! Has our world really come to this?" gasped the woman... "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist , 20 Lutheran, 30 Presbyterian, and maybe 10 for my Jewish friends."
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Todd
I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue.....
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mo2872
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Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2017
Posts: 2209
Location: Tulsa, OK

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2017 10:17 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Boudreaux took his wife Linda to the hospital for the birth of their first child. Boudreaux was old school and waited outside with the parents. He could hear Linda in heavy labor, and was about wore out himself when he finally heard the baby cry.

The Nurse came out and congratulated him on the birth of a son then said, "But wait, there's more", and ran back inside the delivery room. Ten minutes later she came back out to congratulate Boudreaux again on another boy, then said again, "But wait, there's more", and ran back inside. A short while later she returned with THREE baby boys.

Boudreaux was almost hysterical with the news but also greatly relieved when the nurse said three was all.

A little while later Boudreaux was in the recovery room with Linda, and she asked him why he was so quiet. Boudreaux said, "I'm sorry honey, I wuz in the moment and when I noticed the K-Y empty, I grabbed the 3-in-1 oil!"

Linda got a puzzled look on her face for a bit, then smiled a tired smile and said, "That's ok Boo, but I am REALLY glad you didn't grab the WD-40!"
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mo2872
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Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2017
Posts: 2209
Location: Tulsa, OK

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 3:56 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

One day during the French Revolution, a priest, a judge and an engineer were let to the guillotine. The executioner asks the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. The blade of the guillotine is raised, and then released. It comes speeding down, but suddenly, inches from the priest's neck, it stops. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The judge is next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They again raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes rushing down and suddenly, just like before with the priest, stops inches from his neck. Again, the authorities wonder what this should tell them, and they take this as a sign of doubt about the legal proceedings that lead to the death sentence, and they release the judge as well.

Next is the engineer, saddened by the imminent fate. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly gets all excited and says, "Hey, I see where the problem is ..."
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