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G68
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Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 268
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 7:55 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

You beat me to it Jan! I was getting ready to post the same joke!
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 8:21 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote


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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 8:21 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Four Star General

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said, "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast.

"Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said,

"OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 8:26 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

First Burial Service

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left.

The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.

The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place.

He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 8:29 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

BUGGED
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.

The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the
rug

"AHA!"

Under the rug was a disc with four screws.

He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws
them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How
was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay
at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
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TheRktmn
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 57
Posts: 8035
Location: TX, USA

1969 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 8:35 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote


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<b>Rocketman's Classic Cougar Innovations</b>
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2016 4:02 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money
is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the
money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head
and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin
Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to
pull the trigger!
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G68
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Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 268
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Sep 02, 2016 8:04 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Three women (a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette) are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped." Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped." The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop."
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G68
FNG Curbster


Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 268
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Sep 02, 2016 8:11 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A blonde sees a thermos in a store. She asks a clerk, "What is that and what's it for?" The clerk answers, "It's a thermos that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde says, "I'll take it." When she gets to work, her blonde boss asks, "What is that?" The blonde worker says, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot." "Whatcha got in it?" "A cup of coffee and a Popsicle."
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Sep 03, 2016 9:57 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off

He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened

And her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
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