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Thursday Humor
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TheRktmn
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 57
Posts: 8036
Location: TX, USA

1969 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 12:11 pm    Post subject: icon_winner Thursday Humor Reply with quote

California -156 years ago
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.
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Last edited by TheRktmn on Sat Dec 10, 2016 3:36 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 12:26 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote


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If i can't take this with me to Heaven, i'm gonna drive it straight to Hell

If the woman don't find you handsome, then at least they should find you handy
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MDemieville
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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 4:29 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

aint yhat the truth!!
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:43 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration.
The INS Officer said, "Mujibar, congratulations, you have passed all the tests so far, except there is one more test to take. Unless you pass this one you cannot enter the United States Of America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The Officer said, "Make a sentence using the words, Yellow, Pink and Green." The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green and I Pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Verizon's help desk I just talked to him yesterday.
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 9:52 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote


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ColdCougar
Street Walker


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1172
Location: Facebook, NY, USA

2004 Jeep Wrangler

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:29 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

yeah or Microsoft
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Ritchie
Original Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 53
Posts: 1524
Location: Richmond, TX, USA

1970 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 11:25 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

What people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was ! about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Texrep
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 60
Posts: 825
Location: Lemoore, Cali, USA


PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:28 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

I used to have a Great Dane & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. When a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital last time because I had been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my nuts and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
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Ritchie
Original Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 53
Posts: 1524
Location: Richmond, TX, USA

1970 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:36 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

went to the dentist. When the dentist asked whats wrong, unzipped his fly. The dentist Exclaimed "Tis is a Dentis office. You need a uroligist." replied "But there's a tooth in it."
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LiLWrink
Original Curbster


Joined: 23 Jun 2005
Age: 38
Posts: 1814
Location: Facebook, North Central Texas, USA


PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 6:03 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Bipartisan Observation
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let
me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of
golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a
hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes
up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for
him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning....
Today you voted."
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