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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2015 3:34 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.
A cop og ton the Bullhorn and yelled "Come out, or i`ll swear that i`ll come in there and drag you out by your ears"

The murderer yelled back at the cop, "i`m warning you, if you dont wipe your feet when you come in, my wife will kill us both"
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:12 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today."

The boy says, "I know."

The girl says, "I love you!"


The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!"

After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed.

The girl says, "Where is he?"

The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?"

The girl says, "What???" and starts crying.

The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:13 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".


"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
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Wombat
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 68
Posts: 1245
Location: Brisbane, Australia


PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 3:06 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.


The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched the entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
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G68
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Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 269
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2015 8:32 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban,
beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
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G68
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Joined: 05 May 2012
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Posts: 269
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2015 8:24 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Nov 14, 2015 3:59 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.

The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."

The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.

That night, the kid says "Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa"

The next day the grandpa dies. The father thinks this is really weird.

That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."

The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die.

So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.

At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.

He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day."

She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Sat Nov 14, 2015 4:43 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A guy calls his buddy , the horse rancher , and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse?

"A female horth."

So they go down by the lake and he shows the midget a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs the midget, calls him a @#$% pervert and throws him in the lake!

The midget struggles out of the lake, gets up, sputtering and coughing and says:

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
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TheRktmn
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 57
Posts: 8038
Location: TX, USA

1969 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2016 4:05 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Last weekend I was working in the front yard when my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" "What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 10:37 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote


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