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quattrothedog
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Joined: 23 Jun 2005
Age: 17
Posts: 444
Location: Facebook, fife,scotland

1971 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 6:21 pm    Post subject: icon_winner friday humour Reply with quote

"WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE"
Once upon a time a man asked a woman "will you marry me?"
The woman said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after, and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot, drank beer, watched all the sport he liked, sailed three times a week, had enough money to retire at 45 and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
;)
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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 1:44 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A patient had just been trough a huge important and life depending operation,
as he wakes up from the anestecia (or wtf) it's spelled ( you get the idea) he's in a completely dark room, seeing that all the windows have been blacked out,
When the nurse enters the room he asks why all the windows have been blacked out??
And she say, well thats because there's a huge fire raging in the building just across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up seeing that, thinking your operation had gone south......
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Swamper
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Posts: 300
Location: Medical Lake, WA USA


PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 3:16 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

A Lesson on Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four
worms were placed into four jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate
syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister
reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can
you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her
hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
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Ritchie
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 53
Posts: 1524
Location: Richmond, TX, USA

1970 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 3:47 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote


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It's got 4 on the floor and a 5th under the front seat.
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quattrothedog
FNG Curbster


Joined: 23 Jun 2005
Age: 17
Posts: 444
Location: Facebook, fife,scotland

1971 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 5:02 pm    Post subject:  Diary Of A Snow Shoveler Reply with quote

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
;)
_________________
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

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TheRktmn
Original Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 57
Posts: 8038
Location: TX, USA

1969 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 6:20 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

I'd laugh, but it isn't Friday yet.
;)
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1420
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 8:02 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Heeeeyyyy there, aren't you my neighbour
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Swamper
Full Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Posts: 300
Location: Medical Lake, WA USA


PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 4:37 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

TheRktmn wrote:
I'd laugh, but it isn't Friday yet.
;)

It's the same week or at least the same year
You keep your snow, I have enough already. 8)
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quattrothedog
FNG Curbster


Joined: 23 Jun 2005
Age: 17
Posts: 444
Location: Facebook, fife,scotland

1971 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 1:17 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote

Rules Men Wished Women Knew
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat backside in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: An amazing mechanism known as 'a hinge' allows the seat to be in either the up or down position - if it's up, then just put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a prat and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
20. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.
22. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
25. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
29. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
32. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
33. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
34. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
35. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
36. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
37. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
38. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
39. Do not question our sense of direction
:)
_________________
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/quattrothedog/
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TheRktmn
Original Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 57
Posts: 8038
Location: TX, USA

1969 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 7:28 am    Post subject:   Reply with quote


TGIF - I can laugh now!

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