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Wombat
Original Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 68
Posts: 1241
Location: Brisbane, Australia


PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2016 4:38 pm    Post subject:   Reply with quote

That one is so old it's got to be worth a



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TheRktmn
Original Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 56
Posts: 7940
Location: TX, USA

1969 Mercury Cougar XR7

PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2017 4:42 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
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Jan Ove
Full Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1410
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2017 4:48 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

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Jan Ove
Full Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1410
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2017 4:50 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

Yeah was afraid that the zot shrub was getting to much dust since it`s been so long since last time it was used ;)
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Jan Ove
Full Curbster


Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1410
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2017 4:50 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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G68
FNG Curbster


Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 243
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2017 8:26 am    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
 
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.

"For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching  and spitting, etc.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
 
Now learn to pay attention.
 
Life is tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
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Jan Ove
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 1410
Location: Norway


PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 2:13 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

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mo2872
Full Curbster


Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2017
Posts: 2179
Location: Tulsa, OK

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 11:47 am    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bea ring adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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mo2872
Full Curbster


Joined: 26 Oct 2007
Age: 2017
Posts: 2179
Location: Tulsa, OK

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 4:22 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the
American Legion Post. A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge
with a fishing line in the puddle.
A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old Master Chief simply said. "Poor old loon," the Marine officer thought
to himself, and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits,
the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked, "How many have you
caught today?" "You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip
from his double shot of 12 year old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9 Marines.”
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G68
FNG Curbster


Joined: 05 May 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 243
Location: OFallon Missouri

1968 Mercury Cougar

PostPosted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:37 pm    Post subject: icon_note  Reply with quote

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just
give the girls a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
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